“I Never Thought It Would Stop” was my first submission for Smith Magazine’s Six-Word Memoirs project. I first heard of this project (& Smith Magazine) while listening to a story on Talk of the Nation on NPR.
I like the ambiguity of the title. In fact, when Smith asked me to put a ‘tag’ on the title, I chose “ambiguous.” What is “it” & when did “it” stop? Is “it” a bad thing, so it’s good that “it” stopped? Or is “it” a good thing & the author (ok, moi in this case) is sad or angry or confused, etc., about the stoppage. Or is there no value placed on “it” — neither good nor bad, so the stopping is just another of life’s random, nearly unnoticed happenings (& the perhaps that’s why the author never thought of it). But now that it has stopped, DOES it have an impact?
I also intentionally chose “stop” rather than “end,” because I wanted to add to the ambiguity. “End” sounds so final, so terminal — can it start again? HAS it started again? And again, is that possibility good, bad or indifferent?
OK, enough dissecting (& touting my own cleverness — don’t want to break my arm whilst patting myself on the back… again). “But what does it mean?” you ask.
Initially it was about a recent change happening in my life (that I don’t care to go into just now) that is having a mostly negative impact on my mood. But the more I thought about it, I realized that, for better or worse, this is how I’ve often felt (or not felt, as the case may be) about incidents, or entire periods, in my life. And I assume others may be able to relate. Partly it has to do with just being “in the moment” during any time in your life & not dwelling too much on what the future holds. I think this is particularly true of our youth (or @ least mine). Is it a lack of forethought? Lack of ambition? Lack of imagination? What do you think?
For example, when I was in college, hanging out with friends, basically doing nothing, shooting the shit, occasionally getting drunk and/or stoned, I just felt like this was what life would always be like (and to take it even further, I thought that these were the friends with whom I’d always be doing this — “this” being nothing in particular). Obviously there were times that I would think know that this would not be the case — clearly we were going to grow older, perhaps graduate, move to new cities, get jobs, find partners, have children, etc. But many times, in the moment, I just felt that things would never change — “it” would never stop. And despite the fact that it did stop, I guess I didn’t learn from that, because this feeling repeated itself over & over, in new locations, with new routines and activities, with new groups of friends, etc., etc…
Another example, of an incident, rather than a whole period in life: Our hero (me, again) is out with friends, at a big gay dance club, and we’re all on acid/X/shrooms/you-name-it (& of course this whole scenario: friends, dancing, drugs is how it is ALWAYS going to be!). The music is REALLY great. Some of it is very familiar (”OH. MY. GOD. ILUVTHISSONG!”) & some of it’s new & you get that special & unique experience of hearing a song for the first time (& it helps that the drugs are really good; WOW! somebody really came through this time!). And it feels like the music is NEVER going to stop. In fact, it feels like this SONG is NEVER going to stop. And for awhile that’s a good thing. And then we get to a weird part in our drug trip @ the same time that the song gets repetitive and we WANT it to stop. Then, of course, the drug and/or the song gets better again & we’re right back to it’s never going to stop & that’s a GOOD thing.
See what I mean? And I’m sure many of us have cases where we thought something (good or bad) was never going to stop: a job, a relationship, the pain of a breakup, an infatuation, an elation, a depression, a drug trip, the grief from the loss of a loved one, etc., etc… I’m sure I’ll think of other examples to share in the future. Do you have any to share?
Speaking of sharing, if you’ve considered blogging but feel like it’s going to take to much effort… If you feel like you have a story (or stories) to tell, but don’t feel like you have it in you to tell a new story EVERY damn day, then maybe smithmag is the way for you to start. After all, their tagline is “Everyone has a story…”
BTW, my 2nd submission to Six-Word Memoirs is: “Why Should Today Be Any Different?” Now lest you think that this is the pessimistic “nothing-ever-changes” flipside to my first submission (in which the author is possibly pissed off by things changing) let me explain: I’ve used this phrase for years, usually saying it in a cheerfully sarcastic way, when a friend is singing the same old tale of woe (”I hate my job,” “I’m never going to meet the right guy,” Whaa, Whaa, Whaa). So you see, it’s really quite bitchy. Strange, coming from moi.
